i am tired

All the days that have passed make me realized
When I am being here, worrying about you
Thinking about you,
Missing you,
Waiting for you,
You are not here
You didn’t respect the care that I have given to you
You didn’t care at me at all
Do you still love me?
Or you want to go away from me?
Do you ready enough to let me go?
If I don’t love you, I have gone away from you
I don’t want to be still right beside you
But,
Do you know that I am still being there?
Right beside you?
Do you understand that?
I have tried everything, but all I got is NOTHING
I am tired
I don’t want to try to think about you anymore
Just let our love story being a memory
Go away from my life, let me be alone with all sorrow that you have given
Thank you for everything
I want to be ALONE

i will let you go

I walk alone in the darkness
I feel pain, feel empty
I am searching for something, something that usually being near me
But now, that thing is missing
I don’t know where it goes or where it lost
I keep searching for it, but I found nothing
Then, I realized that what I have been searching for is go away from me
Don’t want to get back to me
So, how hard I am trying to search it, it doesn’t make any change
And I won’t find it
It will always go away from me, where ever I am searching for
I give up
And I won’t search for it anymore
I will let it go far away from me
Let times give ways to another LOVE that will be in my heart
Because,
How hard I am trying to keep it in my heart,
How hard I am trying to search for it,
All I got is just N . O . T . H . I . N . G

every fear in my life shown up
make me afraid and scared
nobody can dismantle it
nobody can reduce it
it is just my matter
it is just my problem
not any of you are into it
nor YOU !
i have to get through it toughly
even in the end i have to fall
because it is mine, not yours
enough of asking me about me
i am too tired of facing this whole damn world that i have to raise
let me go and let me do this...


A.L.O.N.E.

miracle could happened

these days out, many months passed
nothing changed, not new
it is something that i didnt persue
nothing i can do, i run for, i am looking for
but, in the verge of my things
in the edge of myself
miracle comes, make it new, make it better
i am happy, i am in my happiness
nnow i know what i should do
i know what i have been looking for
and i believe that miracle could happened
and miracle could changed

The sun shines, it is brighter than before
Same as me, I felt better than before
It seems like I am in love
Someone gives me life
Someone gives me happiness
Someone gives me respect that I never had before
Guess what!
I am in love with him
He makes my life more colorful and full of happiness
No other sorrow or emptiness that I usually had
He loves me, he gives me his promises also his pure love
How lucky I am!
And start from now on, I had to convince that I am in love
I am in love with him
Thank you God of introducing me to him
To let me knowing him
And, thank you for you…
To love me, to give me happiness, to dismantle my sorrow
Thank you… for being with me.


_i love you, for everything you are_

How do I survive in this world without knowing nothing?
How do I breath with no air?
How do I supposed to be alive in this empty slot?
I am just a little girl
I know nothing
Everything bad turns good in my eyes, never being realize that world is too hard
Many fakes shown up, but I know nothing
This little girl is just want to know bout the world that she is standing for
I expect something but no one give it
Why?
I am just living with no air around, makes me died living in this damn world
I know nothing, and you can’t put the blame on me
Please, somebody tell me something that I supposed to know
Don’t placed me in hell-world
Not in past, future or recent
I am just a little girl, give some ways out
To know, how life’s turning to be …

We have been being together for so many times, in happiness also sorrow
We have shared each other’s problems, also love
But then, all are ruin
It is just because of me, my fault
I make everything become worst, make everything become mistakes
I am so sorry for everything that I have done to you, guys
I didn’t mean to hurt or angry with you all… I am just… I am just doing everything wrong
I am so sorry, I have made all of us not in our condition
I just need time to realize about me, myself and my fault
I am so sorry, my sweet best friends
Even I am not same as usual,
I always love you all guys…
I always do, and it won’t be decrease
I love you all too much
Forgive me…
I will be back as myself, a new me, soon…

With my deepest… Love you all …

I love you beneath my deepest
With my self-possessed I used to convinced
No other words can be done by saying
No explanation for the uncertain answer
No faithful for the untrustworthy person
I am just a liar for my self
A reality that I cant convinced
A memory that always exist, even in past
Not in recent to dismantle you
Maybe some other times can reduce
In some other ways, keep me tough
Realizing the time that come closer, leave me in sorrow
To know that is for real
Reality that convinced me, cant lie
The truth that cant be forgotten
Love you for reality
Love you without any despair
Love you without any sorrow
Love you without any lie
Cause my love is pure, unbreakable, true…

the sun shines above me
the sky looks so bright with not much clouds
many birds sing in this morning, following me to continue my days
i am happy
i am in love
i am on my way
i got through the darkness with all the strength that i have
i fought for myself
i have chosen to be brave
and now, i got the yield
i got my happiness without any sorrow
my days become brighter, my life become more enjoy
and in the other side, i have to convince...
it is because of you... my love
i am in love with you, and it makes me stronger and stronger then i can get back my happy life
thank you for being with me,
thank you for loving me and giving me strength
that i always need...

i love you .... ich liebe dich meine liebste ...

I apology for what I have done to you
I know you won’t understand, but I can’t explain it to you
I just want to say I am sorry
For things that ruins, for what we have been through, for love that we have shared each other
I have to end it, finish it, make it a happy ending story for you
I know how much I have hurt you, how long I have been hiding it from you
But, I am sorry
I can’t be with you anymore, it is because another things come and make me comfortable with it
You always being the best in my life, you have ever being the sweetest, patient, and love able in my life
You have ever being the best that God given to me
But, now I have to leave you
I did it to make you happy with others who can love you with life, soul and everything that she has
Please, forget me and also forgive me for what I have done to you
For being double – minded
For being a cheater

For hurting you
And
For ended our sweet love story

I could go back and rearrange everything turns good
But, why am i running away?
Scared?
Gosh, this silly girl is trying to be a fool
No, not a fool… but a foolish dull lady…
Damn it!
I am afraid of everything, not just in recent but also from past and future
Thinking too much about my future, afraid of the past and give up with the recent
For what anyways?
Being a fool?
Is it good enough for me?
No…
It is something bad that I should have known
But, in reality… I don’t
Silly girl!
Poor me…
Wanted something too much, but in the end… give up without having anything to be tried
Wasting time, huh?
Yes… but don’t worry… I am good enough at listening.
Just yelling at me, say that I am a fool and I will appreciate that
So, give applause for a silly lady who tried to know how is the life turns to be…
But again, for what anyways?

I shouldn’t love him, but however I still do it.
I should have forgotten him, but in fact I can’t
It is the time when I used to realize that he is too much older than me
He is an adult man, but I am just a little girl who still trying to know about me, myself
I am just a little girl who tried to find out what is life meaning for
It is something hard to be learnt
It is too hard for this little girl
He has known everything
He was born eleven years before me, he must have known everything shown in this world
He has his path
And I am still searching for my own path
It can’t be the same. I can’t be with him
Maybe I am just a sister for him
Gosh… it is hard to be explained.
The fact that I have to realize, You have to know-of course you have known- , and he has to convince is… I LOVE HIM
How hard I am trying to hide it inside, I can’t
Someone said that I have to be brave to say it to him
I am trying to be, but…
Still, it is too hard for a little girl like me…
Shit!
I love him…

some weird things come up from my mind
everything shown up, thy show off in front of me
i cant really explain what is that, everything is just spinningaround
that sucks reality facts come behind me, following me
i really want to say that i hate every reality facts
one of that damn reality facts is LOVE
that word which i hate the most
why i have to know about love?
why i have to stuck in it anyways
love makes me cry in sadness, and loneliness
love makes me feel sick and bring me to hell, i mean the sickness that never being healed
love can give me ways, give me lights, give me happiness in the other time
but, sometimes i cant understand how love gives us ways
that is the time when i really hate to love or being loved
why do i have to be anyways?
no one can understand
nor me or any of those old people
thy still learning about it
not just learn, but thy have to know, thy have to feel
when it is getting worst
when it is getting better
when it is never shown
and when it is being never ending story...

i am not in the verge of my hiding things...but i am just nothin, anyways
i am on the edge of my self-awareness when i looked down and fall
suspicious
fascinating enough
fallen away like stars in the sky give me some sign of making wish
a luck that always following me behind
in the time when i didnt need any of those reality facts
for what anyways?
when i could be better without knowing that kind of things
wasting time,though it is simple and smaller than a spot
i m just kind of silly girl that trying to run away from everything, extremely afraid of being hurt
silly isnt it?
but for what i am thinking about it anyways?
it is not disturbing anybody, though i am thinking bout it much
just forget it
nothing could guess what i mean, anyways...

you come into my dream, make it comes true
i can feel the way that you do it
the sweetest, softness, the patiently that you give
but, it is just a moment, i cant feel the way that you did it anymore

somehow, i still can feel your warmness, when you touch my head
somehow, i still can feel your love, when you see deep inside my eyes
and somehow, i can loose it

now, this is the time

to let you go. to leaveyou forever

cause you wont be and never be mine

i have to know more about me, my self
what i have hide inside
what i have looking for in my life
but then, i havent knew how to do it
when i asked to You, my dearest God
i can find everything
but i realized again, why i have to be born?
why i m still living in here, anyways?
what i have to discover in this world, anyways?

My dear God, i m sorry if i were asking too much, i m just a lil girl who tried to surf along this world, and finding what i m looking for..

it is complicated for me, i m just trying to figure it out

but God, i m just asking, anyways

when i knew that loving someone can help me survived in this world, i won't stop
i m in love
it is the time when my world is all about him, all around him
i m in my blissful
but, the time stops
when i realized that everything i do is just a fake
a fake love actually
i m in love with someone that never in love with me
how come?
why i never saw it from the beginning?
i tried to figure it out, but nothing that i found
it is all fade away
disappear
it is just a crazy thing that make me surrendered and want to ended my life
because,
at the end, i will just feel the pain and sorrow
and in the rest of my life, nothing will i have

my blissful, has gone

someday i learnt how to survive myself in this world
it is hard to be explained
somehow i tried to walked alone in emptiness
but all i got is just something that i cant understand at all
it is something that people said that everyone cant live alone in this world, cant survive by being alone...
i looked forward, wondering about my future
but then, i found nothing
i am stuck in here, in this damn life
what do i have to ask to myself?
why do i have to doubt on myself?
i cant find something that i used to know but now i dont know at all
it is something really strange and miserable
i cant imagine how i survived in this world without knowing nothing
in fact, i m still in here
doing my reality facts that give me some ways to know

God ... that's what i mean
i know He is here for me, give me strength to survive in this world
whenever it is, eherever i am ...
Thank you ... deeply down in my heart ...

i love someone that i cant reach at all
i should have realized about that
i should have to know about the risk that i take
why i have just known it now?
when my heart is spinning all over him
when my thought is just everything around him
why do i have to realized?
how this damn feeling is killing me inside
broke my heart
what do i have to convince about when i knew nothing can be convinced
its just a damn thing that i still keep in here for the rest of strength that i have
what do i have to be honest about and for whom i have to be honest?
no one!
no one could understand what is deep inside of my heart
its just something that i cant tell anybody
its just me and all the painful that i have got is just for me
no one, would be me who feel this pain
pain of loving someone that wouldnt be exist and real for me...
no one ...

it is time when we have to look backward, when everything is going bad
nowhere else we can realize, that this life is damn too fast
times make us different from day to day, months to months, seconds to seconds
and here we are, secretly in this damn world
still doing everything bad, make our life become worse
here we are with all the worst thing that we have been through
without any wonder to apology or changed everything good
but after all this time-this realizing time
we have learnt what is the true meaning of life
in the time when we shared each other, in time when we helped each other, in the time when wvwerything passed with love
that is what life means for...
and for all of the life, the soul, the time that He has given to us, we have to say thank you to God...
in the time when we still being alive with everything that we have got
in every bad things and also good things that we have
and for who we are...

a liar

you left me naked alone, behind the opened door
that was the time that i realized i have to look backward
used my imaginary that you were there hold my breathe
how i know that you were not always being there to hold my hands with everything that you have...
i confused
i surrendered
why i never realized that the time is getting less,
how this worlds is too damn fast rolling on its center
i never realized
i am just walking looking down with nothing that i can see
liar - maybe that is the word that reflecting me
i m just lying to my self
to my heart and everything in it
i am lying that i can keep you there with me
i am lying that i ever convinced my self you are the best for me
i am a looser for my self, even...

in fact i dont want to be a liar or even a loser
but, then again ..


i am a liar also a loser for my self

i have come beneath my self-possessed
reduce your shadows, dismantle the memories which is following
i conceded my self to do that and forget you
then, the reality so does the fact convinced me that i can't
how pitiful is my life...
i am not blind, to see your behavior
but good things always come from you
like no other did... the fact give me the words
my leader
then, you resuscitatethe painful, lonely
you have the capability on my ego, sellfish, stubborness
so, crucify my badness, before it is too late
and you will know that we are one
you convinced me, nothing is pitiful
after in many seconds we passed
let everything changed, make everything different
choose one the best not in everything you put
and all the grief that you put me through will be gone
as in every minute, every second move
then, like the time which is spinning all over...
good or bad,
night and day,
before and after...

someday before, i am just a liar. a liar for my self. but now, i have realized everything. someday before, i am just a scared person. but now, i am brave. brave with my self, brave with what i will do, brave for everything. someday before, i never respect you, never think that you are real, never expected anything from you. but now, you are my reality, you are why i am being brave. trust me, you will always be in my heart
always being my love, as my love is sincere
and my heart won't regret
of knowing you
even you are in a different side of my worth-living


in my reality



you are my blissful

when i wanted you to make you be official without the craziness imaginary, you tought me how to resist... you tought me how to think about the spotlight in my darkness...

maybe, you won't be with a failed... a loser... but, trust me... i want to be with you...

maybe, i won't be with you in recent time... in reality... neither in many other times... believe me, you will always be a part in my heart... and i always do love you, even land and sea have gone...

something happened today
something unpredictable
something surprising...
i opened my window, waiting for some light in the early morning
many sounds appeared... a sweet little sound
i listened to them, then suddenly someone came

in my early dreaming

i used to stop, stop thinking about it... no, him.
but i don't

i know why i can't do that

i know the reason


he is my love,
my heart,
my soul,
my life,
my everything...

he came to my early dreaming, but he mustn't be there
i wonder that i can erase him from my early dreaming, an early stupid but meaningful dreaming...

but in fact, i can't

it is too hard to be done, it is too hard to be erased, it is too hard...

i have tried many ways, in many times
but all i got is just a fake
a failed...

until now, when my realized time came, i used to forget him

but then again, until now...

i can't even do any of those ways...

the sky is too dark, without any passion of light
like no life, no other warmith for earth, for the living
i am standing tough here, wihout anything left, wihout anything to hold

i see the rain

with its sadness feeling

i am standing tall, try to be...

but, at the end, it is hard to believe, that i can't stand tall like i used to
the rain is laughing at me, the moon is smiling at me, so does the sky
but,
nothing can understand
no one can do

now, all i hear is just rain drops
without any other thing can be heard
anything can be known

i am just a dust... in a crowd
i am just a spot... in a big white paper
and i will gone,
by other time in minutes

by other way in second...

i used to like to see the moon, but not tonight. i usually see the moon with its shinny lights, but not tonight. why? it is dark out here. the sky is too dark, too many clouds which closed the moon's lights. but, it really shows something inside my heart... deep inside my heart. i felt empty today. nothing can renew it. nothing can refilled it, nothing... no one... it is too hard to say. it is too hard to be explained. and it is too hard to be solved. i don't know why, but if i looked once again at the sky that used to be beautiful, i realy feel the pain, and when i realized that i am hurting myself by giving everything to him, to a men that i could not reach. i am giving my heart, my life, my soul, and my love that secretly given.. it is hurting myself, cause everything that i have given, didn't effect anything to him. he can't ever know. he knows nothing... nothing till forever... till he knows what do i mean... and until that time, i will wait for him... i hope he will realize...

Sometimes,i felt lonely
sometimes,i felt lovely
somehow,i think i can forget him
but,i know i can't
somehow,i know how to hate him
but,i know i can't
why do i have to be like this?
I don't even know any of this problems
when i realized that i love him,
i hate myself..
But when i want to forget him
i can't
God, You know how hurt my heart
You know how much i am hurting myself
and You know that i don't want to be like this..
My dearest God,
help me forget it..
Help me through it..
Keep me tough..
I believe,i can do this because of You..

in this early night, i used to continue my work...but, i don't...
i am just sitting without doing anything, wondering my life later
when i was wondering, you came into my imagination, through my wondering
i don't know why, but i felt happy
even i know and i have to realize that you won't ever being mine
never in my life, we've big defferences... and i know that..
but, you know what, i am still hoping that you will be mine, for forever
but still, it is just a hope,, hope can be coming true or not
ya...i am still hoping that it can be a hope that comes true...

and...

for my beloved...

stay beside me,ok? even you never realize that i love you, but you still in my heart..

he walked through the darkness..
he wanted to meet her
in the last time of his life

one step further... he will reach her...he will meet her

he saw her standing alone
look towards the sky...something she is looking for

he ran into her
she still standing toughly
he hug her...hug her tightly

he saw her eyes... she is crying

he kissed her in the time left
said that he still love her like he always do
but, time made him left her

he said to her,
by looking at her eyes
he loves her, he always do
he felt inconsolable, like usual
when he remembered, never be with her forever

it is just because of the time
the last time that he has, to tell her
to make her understand...
to say sorry

inthe rest of his time,
in the last chance in his life,
in that time...



he left her forever....


_in the day of her collapsing, he died_

why this feeling is hurting me so much? how can i forget about it? i don't want to feel like this...always feeling guilty on him, even he is the one who made mistakes.
i don't want to feel lonely too... it will be so empty if he wasn't here
staying beside me...
i know, how much i love him, so does he
i have given everything to him, but he didn't give any respect
fristly, i thought the love that i gave him will be everlasting...but now i know, that's wrong
this love can't be everlasting, because i knew that he didn't have the same perception like me...we're different now...
not going to be same as before, as i hope...no...
for my dearest God,
please give me some ways to solve this problems
let me love you more tahn i love him...
i know you always being here for me, to help me, to give me the everlasting love
please, now help me through this problems toughly, strongly, patiently
until i can get back who i am, as Your human...

he walked alone in the dark
as i looked at his eyes, tiredness
as i looked at his smile, sorrow
emptiness that he has

his body looks so thin,
painful that he always bring as usual

he sat on the ground
looked at him self
angry to himself
because nothing that he can do

he felt guilty on something
no, someone
someone that he ahs disappointed on
someone that he hurts

he thought abouy his fault
everything that he had done in the past

he hard to apology
he didn't want to meet her again
he has made a big mistake
and he deserved to have the punishment

but, even he has to deserve it,
he realized that he can't be living alone without her love
her passion, her smile, everything about her
he can't be with or without her